Save me.
“Guide me, God. Have your way in my life.
Lead me. Show me the way I should go.
Clear my mind so that I can see what you want for me.”
This has been my prayer for about 2 months now. I’m sharing this because I know that some of you out there feel the way I do.
Feeling stuck. Feeling like your feet are cemented to the ground. You cannot move.
You want to move. But you can’t. Even if you could, you don’t know which way to go.
You know what you want. But you ask yourself is what you want best for you.
I constantly think about my Mia whenever I think about my relationship with God. Him as my Father.
I’d like to think that I know more than Mia does about what’s best for her. I have more experience. I’ve lived more life than she has.
I see things she doesn’t see. I know about consequences.
Prime example: Mia sometimes wants to stay up way past her bedtime. “I need water. I want to hug you Mami. I want to read a book. We didn’t pray yet Mami”
All the while, I’m shaking my head, getting frustrated trying to put her back in bed because I know how much she dislikes waking up in the morning. I know that at 6:30 am she will be cranky. She will tell me she doesn’t like school. She’ll struggle to brush her teeth and won’t let me do her hair.
When she refuses to go to sleep, none of this crosses her mind but I foresee all of this. Her limited capacity doesn’t allow her to see past the moment but I of course know better which is why even if she wants to stay up, I put my foot down and put her to bed. It doesn’t matter to me that she’s crying or upset with me, I know better. I’m thinking about the morning after and how much better she will feel and do in school if she gets the right amount of sleep.
I’m seeing things Mia doesn’t see. But Mia thinks she knows as much as I do because she knows what she wants and that is all that matters to her. Mia wants what she wants in those moments. And she will begin to rationalize with me. To give me good reasons to stay up. To tell me its not fair that I get to stay up and she doesn’t. To tell me that sleeping is boring (whose child is this?). But I know better. I’m her mother, caretaker, guardian, protector. I know better. She doesn’t.
God knows what is best for me.
Wow. This is the absolute truth but what a hard pill to swallow.
At this point in my life, I am seriously struggling with this. The fact that God knows what is best for me. It requires a new level of trust and I’m just not all the way there yet.
I KNOW He knows what’s best for me but my anxious thoughts get the best of me.
My brash reactions at times. My swift decisions. My irrational rationalizations. My taking things as signs from God when they most certainly are not.
Side note: God’s signs bring peace, security and assurance. (Judges 6:33-40) When I’m lacking even 1% of peace in my life, God is showing me something has to go, even if its something I want. Even if its the job I want or the place I want to move to or the person I want . Peace is such a huge indicator. Where God is, there is peace. Where God wants me to be, he gives me 100% peace. God shows us signs in the mundane. But this is probably a blog post for another day. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
I know God knows whats best for me.
But I act or react in a way at times as if He doesn’t. My actions show what I truly believe. God can’t possibly know because I know what I want and I know what I feel. And he wouldn’t allow me to feel that if that isn’t what is best for me. If it wasn’t good for me, he would take away this feeling.
But at my very core, I know God knows what’s best and I don’t want to rely on myself. I know what the consequences of making decisions on my own looks like. I’ve made a mess of my life before. I don’t want to do that again. Failing is part of being human but some mistakes have major consequences that affect more than just me. Some mistakes have long term effects. I’ll share this one.
I am a single mother. Mia’s father, as am I, is a broken individual. Our brokenness together was a disaster. It was dangerous and had the potential of being tragic. We could not live together not only because of pride or anger or emotions, but because of Mia. I knew I could not control the outside world but I could control the environment in my home. I wanted her to grow in a home filled with peace and love because for a child, that is everything.
When choosing him to be my partner, I was most definitely led by my emotions. I didn’t know better. I ignored the red flags because I saw the good in him. I didn’t ponder enough on the idea of him as a father to my future children. I saw the guy who liked me since he was 12 years old. Who was just jealous because he loved me so much. It took me so long to commit to him so when he finally had me, he just didn’t want anyone stealing me away. When he got angry he was irrational and screamed and said hurtful things but that was fine because it wasn’t all the time and some of those times, I’m the one who was wrong so I probably deserved it. It wasn’t all the time. Only sometimes, but that was at first.
As time went on , he got angry more frequently. His fits of anger and jealousy were more irrational. Mia would cry when he raised his voice, which was way too often now. She was 1. My family was tired. It strained my relationship with my parents and my sister. He left. I didn’t allow him back when he wanted to. I prayed to God about whether this just meant I had to love him harder until something changed. God showed me in so many ways that he wouldn’t change. That he would behave good when he was afraid to lose me but he wouldn’t change. That bandages or my staying quiet wouldn’t change him. My not going out or agreeing to everything he said wouldn’t change things.
Fast forward to today; he is not part of Mia’s life through choice of his own. She hasn’t seen him in months. No calls. No financial support. And I am left having to fill the gap. Raising a child to love God, love and respect people, have values, and love school. This is very hard. Even with God’s grace, strength, peace and provision, being a single mother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I went through a time of very low self-esteem, of not loving me and not accepting love. Being called every name in the book. Being taken of out character as a reaction to very hard moments of verbal abuse. And it is simply the consequence of me leaning on my own understanding. On my own emotions. God working all things for the good doesn’t mean you don’t live with the consequences or that it makes the consequences much less hard or painful.
I want what God wants for me.
Mia’s father was not what God wanted for me. I had to forgive him and ask for forgiveness for the things I had done to him but God did not want me there. What God wants for me is guaranteed to come with peace. Even in hard times. That kind of peace that surpasses all understanding. The kind of peace I imagine Joseph had in the Bible. Abraham. Moses. Paul. Elijah. People who went through serious struggle but in their hearts had peace when they knew God was guiding them and went before them. Even David who went through so many ups and downs emotionally, as we see in much of the Psalms, had that peace. That even not seeing the future, even if you are giving up what you want, what you desire, even in the struggle, God in you lets you know things will be good. Because God is a good father and wants whats best for me.
But God is what we would call a gentleman. He does not impose himself on us. He does not make us do anything.
He presents opportunities but he does not force us to take them. He opens doors but does not force us to go through them. Others he closes but he does not always hold us back when we choose to open those doors again. Some things he takes away but he does not force us to let go when we choose to go back after it. Deciding what to do in each case requires us to drown out our emotions, our voices, our feelings so that we can clearly hear or see the path God would want for us to take. To see which is the door he would have us to choose. Because only he knows what is behind the door. And he is so good that he gives hints, signs, red flags as to what’s behind so that we do not choose blindly. He provides good counsel through His Word, our parents and spiritual leaders.
So I’m the problem here. My emotions. My rationalizations. Having these things decide for me.
God, please save me from myself.
This has been added to my prayer list. God, please save me from myself. When my mind is filled with anxious thoughts, please save me from myself. When my emotions are leading me, please save me from myself. When I want to give up that which you want for me, please save me from myself. When my past keeps calling me back, please save me from myself. When I’m thinking about my being 30 years old and that time is running out for me, please save me from myself. When I get desperate, please save me from myself. I overthink and still make bad decisions. I overthink and get stuck. God, please save me from me.
But I was thinking yesterday that feeling stuck is more than likely a sign. I think it means to
Wait.
God is not a god of confusion. My spirit is not at 100% peace in any which way I want to move. So I won’t move. I’ll continue to wait. What to do with my job, what to do with my living situation, what to do about school, about which person I should open my heart to. I’ll continue to wait and continue to pray;
Guide me, God. Have your way in my life.
Lead me. Show me the way I should go.
Clear my mind so that I can see what you want for me, what you know is best for me
God, grant me peace in the wait. But overall, God, please save me from myself.
God is so good that because of his grace and mercy, he will save me from myself. He knows what I’m prone to. He knows my tendencies. He will thwart my plans. He will stir doubt in my heart. He will not give me peace. He doesn’t want me to pull him into my plans. He wants to be there calling the plays with me. He wants to guide me. He wants to hold my hand and lead me like a parent leads their child. But sometimes I don’t give God my hand because I know where he wants to take me and that is not where I want to go exactly. God, I’m sorry for pulling you into my plans. Please save me from myself.
I was going to end the post there but as I was proof-reading, someone sent me this about something totally unrelated and it says:
“Yahweh will always guide you where to go and what to do. He will fill you with refreshment even when you are in a dry, difficult place.
He will continually restore strength to you, so you will flourish like a well-watered garden and like an ever-flowing, trustworthy spring of blessing.” Isaiah 58:11 ((Thank you Josh Foss!)
Isn’t it crazy how God speaks!? He’s going to guide me on where to go and what to do because his character does not change. The dry and difficult place is that feeling of being stuck for me. So I’ll continue to wait. And if you are still reading this, don’t get impatient. Don’t settle. Don’t get desperate. Your mistakes may have set you back some but God works even the time you wasted for your good. Let go of your past. Let go of that which you know God is pulling you away from. That which God allowed and wanted to break but you are still trying to glue the pieces together. Let go, sit still, quiet your anxious thoughts, your emotions, and allow God to truly show you where to go. Won’t he do it?
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” Proverbs 26:11
“No good thing will God withhold from the just.” Psalms 84:11